Holidays, von Klapp Style!

Tomorrow, Manhattan will be buzzing as the annual von Klapp Holiday Party is held at my parents' luxurious apartment. When my father, Basil von Klapp, was a boy growing up in Austria his parents would invite their neighbors over for a huge holiday party every year. My father continued this tradition after moving to America and starting his own family. Of course, running a successful adult diaper and incontinence product manufacturing business means that our parties are far more glamorous than the little get-togethers that Grandmother von Klapp hosted years ago. I will report to you all of the juicy details of this year's party on Monday. Until then, have a fabulous weekend!

Real Hero Thursday

Five more US servicemen died since last week's Real Hero Thursday. The latest to be confirmed is Pvt Isaac T. Cortes, of Brooklyn, NY.

Pvt Cortez died November. 27 in Amerli, Iraq, of wounds suffered when his vehicle encountered an improvised explosive device.

Pv. Cortez was assigned to the 1st Squadron, 71st Cavalry Regiment, 1st Brigade Combat Team, 10th Mountain Division (Light Infantry), Fort Drum, N.Y.

He was 26 years old.

New Boyfriend Wednesday

In keeping with my Dancing with the Stars euphoria, I hereby nominate the sexy Maksim Chmerkovskiy for the honor of this week's New Boyfriend. Maks is one of the professional dancers on Dancing withe the Stars. He's 27, single, and was born in Russia.

Dancing with the Stars: And the Winner Is...

Congratulations to.... HELIO AND JULIANNE!!

But Maksim is still hotter. My mom is gloating. She picked them from the beginning. My father is wondering what Marie is going to do after the show. Lunesta is still passed out.

Dancing with the Stars: 10:45pm

Helio and Julianne do the quick step for their last dance. They are OK. I don't dislike Helio, he's just not as hunky as Maksim. My mother insists he will win. My father still doesn't understand how Marie got the boot. Lunesta is passed out on the couch.

The judges score: a perfect 30.

Who will win? Who will lose?

Dancing with the Stars: 10:30pm

Mel and Maksim do the mambo for their last dance. The judges love it. I love it. I love Maksim. I want him to love me, too!

The judges score: a perfect 30!!

GO MEL AND MAKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dancing with the Stars: 10:15

Celine has crawled out of her sarcophagus to sing her new "hit" against a video montage of this season's "most emotional highlights." I left a voice mail for my agent. If he couldn't get me on "Celebrity Apprentice" at least he can get me on the next season of "Dancing with the Stars." And I want Maksim to be my partner!

Dancing with the Stars: 10pm

They are still bringing out the kicked-off stars to dance one last time. They are up to Jane Seymour. I want to be that pretty when I'm 70. My father said that Jane was a former Bond Girl. Lunesta is on her fifth Vodka and Cranberry. Or is Cranberry and Vodka? Does it matter? We have another hour until we find out who wins!

Dancing with the Stars: 9:30pm

More clips from earlier in the season. Now, they are bringing back the contestants who were voted off, one by one. This show is going to be longer than my Christmas list.

Dancing with the Stars: 9:15pm

MARIE IS TOAST!!!!!!!!!! GO MEL AND MAKS!!! My father said the show is rigged. My mother still thinks Helio is going to win. Lunesta is on her third Cranberry and Vodka.

Dancing with the Stars: 9:10pm

Ten minutes into the show and they've dug up Celine Dion to sing about the shipwreck. I'm gulping down Lunesta's vodka to get me through this.

Dancing with the Stars: 9pm

The von Klapp family has gathered around my 52 inch HDTV to watch the season finale of Dancing with the Stars! Tom and Samantha look so excited! My father, Basil von Klapp, thinks Marie is a shoo-in. I personally don't enjoy Marie. She's far too "cute" for my liking. I like Mel B. Well, I don't really like her, but I adore her dance partner, Maksim. He's so hot! My mother Clarice is hoping Helio wins. And my sister Lunesta doesn't really have an opinion. It's only five minutes after 9:00 and she's already drunk.

They are showing clips from last night. I just realized its only 9:06 and they won't announce the winner until 10:59. This is going to be a long night. I wonder what Lunesta is drinking?

LIVE Blogging During the Dancing with the Stars Finale!

Join the entire von Klapp family tonight as we gather to watch the season finale of "Dancing with the Stars." I will be blogging LIVE from my penthouse in Manhattan, along with my dowdy sister Lunesta and my parents, Basil and Clarice. Please join us starting at 9:00 pm Eastern time! Beware my West Coast friends: you'll know the winners three hours in advance!

Dancing with the Stars Finale: Part 1

VOTE FOR MEL & MAKSIM!!!

1-800-868-3405

AT&T CUSTOMERS TEXT "VOTE" TO 3405!

My Favorite Things 2007

Earlier this week Oprah Winfrey aired her "Oprah's Favorite Things for 2007" episode. In honor of that, I have compiled a list of MY favorite things. Without further ado and in no particular order, I give you the first annual list of "Cymbalta von Klapp's Favorite Things."

Sony Vaio
Josh Groban's "Noel" CD
Apple iTouch
"Hairspray" DVD

Happy Thanksgiving

Real Hero Thursday

14 more US troops were killed since last week's Real Hero Thursday.

The latest to be confirmed is Staff Sgt. Alejandro Ayala of Riverside, CA. Sgt Ayala died November 18th of injuries sustained as a result of a vehicle accident in Kuwait. He was assigned to the 90th Logistics Readiness Squadron, F.E. Warren Air Force Base, Wyo. Alejandro Ayala was 26 years old.

3,873 US military members have died since the start of the war in Iraq.

New Boyfriend Wednesday

Has anyone ever looked at Wentworth Miller and not fallen in love? He's handsome, he's a talented actor, and his voice is almost hypnotic. You might know him from "Prison Break", but I will always remember him as Adam Rothchild Ryan on the much-missed TV series "Popular." So on this day before Thanksgiving, I would like to nominate Mr. Wentworth Miller as my New Boyfriend of the Week!

"The Bachelor" Great Wimp-Out of 2007

Do you remember the lame reality show "The Bachelor" that no one watches anymore? Last night was the season finale and the bachelor, Brad Womack, chose.... no one. What a wimp-out. So lame. No wonder no one watches anymore. My suggestion for next year is to force the "winning" couple to marry and have at least one child or they don't get paid. Now, that's good TV!

Ick!

I don't know who Roberta is, or why darkness surrounds her, but this disturbed me! However, if there is a sequel, I am available for a leading role! Watch at your own risk! (Warning: violent content)

BREAKING WRITERS STRIKE NEWS

From the United Hollywood blog:

“Leaders from the WGA and the AMPTP have mutually agreed to resume formal negotiations on November 26. No other details or press statements will be issued.”


Let's hope for a fair contract and that everyone goes back to work soon!

PS:
SUPPORT THE STRIKING WRITERS: DON'T BUY DVDs FOR CHRISTMAS!

SUPPORT THE STRIKING WRITERS: DON'T BUY DVDs FOR CHRISTMAS!

SUPPORT THE STRIKING WRITERS: DON'T BUY DVDs FOR CHRISTMAS!

Poor Amy

Poor Amy Winehouse. She started her UK tour this week, and well... it wasn't a huge success.




Now THIS is the Amy I know and love:

Real Hero Thursday

Nine more US troops were killed in Iraq since the last Real Hero Thursday. The most recent to be confirmed is Army Sgt Joseph M. Vanek, who was killed in Baghdad on November 12th when enemy forces attacked his unit. Joseph was from Elmhurt, Illinois. He was 22 years old.

New Boyfriend Wednesday

Welcome to New Boyfriend Wednesday! This week, meet Jonathan Rhys Meyers. I'd want him to be my boyfriend because, as you can see, he's hot. For those of you who don't know him, Jonathan is an actor from Ireland who's appeared in films like "Mission Impossible 3", "Alexander", and "Bend it Like Beckham." He's also the star of Showtime's series "The Tudors." Check him out.

Produce Paradise

Once upon a time two nice boys made a funny video satirizing rap and ... produce. The grocery store that employed them saw fit not only to fire them, but to sue them - for a LOT of money. The boys did not make the video while on duty, nor did they use any produce that was sold in their store. I see a harmless, funny video. What do you see?

My Weekend Ruined... by a STRIKE?

Here we go again! This time, it's the Broadway stagehands union that is striking! And what horrible timing they have. As I had hinted on Friday, my weekend SHOULD have been a party-rific, celebrity-drenched fun fest. But no. Here's the deal. I SHOULD have been a party celebrating the launch of "Young Frankenstein"on Broadway. Then, the stagehands went on strike, and all bets were off. To make things more confusing, "Young Frankenstein" is one of the eight shows that aren't effected by the strike. However, I was told that the party hosts thought it would be in bad taste to host a lavish party while so many in the Broadway family are on strike, so the party was scrubbed.

Just in case you are keeping score, here is a list of which shows are still on during the strike:

Cymbeline at the Vivian Beaumont Theater
Mary Poppins at the New Amsterdam Theatre
Mauritius at the Biltmore Theatre
Pygmalion at the American Airlines Theatre
The Ritz at Studio 54
The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee at Circle in the Square
Xanadu at the Helen Hayes Theatre
Young Frankenstein at the Hilton Theatre



And the following shows will be dark due to the strike:



August: Osage County at the Imperial Theatre
Avenue Q at the Golden Theatre
A Bronx Tale at the Walter Kerr Theatre
Chicago at the Ambassador Theatre
A Chorus Line at the Schoenfeld Theatre
The Color Purple at the Broadway Theatre
Curtains at the Al Hirschfeld Theatre
Cyrano de Bergerac at the Richard Rodgers Theatre
Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas at the St. James Theatre
The Drowsy Chaperone at the Marquis Theatre
Duran Duran at the Ethel Barrymore Theatre
The Farnsworth Invention at the Music Box Theatre
Grease at the Brooks Atkinson Theatre
Hairspray at the Neil Simon Theatre
Is He Dead? at the Lyceum Theatre
Jersey Boys at the August Wilson Theatre
Legally Blonde at the Palace Theatre
Les Misérables at the Broadhurst Theatre
The Lion King at the Minskoff Theatre
The Little Mermaid at the Lunt-Fontanne Theatre
Mamma Mia! at the Winter Garden Theatre
Monty Python's Spamalot at the Shubert Theatre
The Phantom of the Opera at the Majestic Theatre
Rent at the Nederlander Theatre
Rock 'n' Roll at the Bernard B. Jacobs Theatre
The Seafarer at the Booth Theatre
Spring Awakening at the Eugene O'Neill Theatre
Wicked at the Gershwin Theatre

Let's hope all of the strikes are settled soon so everyone can back to work and the world can be entertained again!

Excitement!

This weekend promises to be chock-filled with excitement! My sister Lunesta and I have been invited to several A-List parties that promise to be crawling with celebrities. I plan on networking to find either a career in the entertainment industry, a husband, or blackmail photos. Hopefully I'll get all three! I'll be back on Monday to report on everything! Have a great weekend!

Real Hero Thursday

Another day, another Theme Day. But this is a bit more serious than the typical light banter that is known as The Chronicles of von Klapp. Each Thursday, I will spotlight the latest heroes who have given the ultimate sacrifice in the war on terror.

Navy Petty Officer 2nd Class Kevin R. Bewley died on November 5th in Iraq when an explosive device detonated while he was conducting operations. Officer Bewley was from Hector, Arkansas. He was 27.

New Boyfriend Wednesday

I've decided to make a few "Theme Days" here and there. Let's start off with "New Boyfriend Wednesday," where each Wednesday I will decide who I'd like to be my new boyfriend. Our very first honoree is Mister George Clooney. Why? Because he's a hunk, and he's a very talented actor and director, and he does a lot for charities and nations in need. And he's a hunk!

Election Day

Today was a crappy Election Day and I'm going to tell you why! First of all, it was rainy and damp and cold. Being a dedicated American, I trudged to the polling place and stood behind a bald man until it was my time to vote. I got inside the little booth and guess what? My name was nowhere to be found. I wasn't on the ballot! Not even for Best Dressed. In fact, there wasn't even a Best Dressed category. What kind of election is this?

STRIKE!

How could they? The TV and movie writers have gone on strike! Starting today "The Tonight Show", "Late Show with David Letterman" and almost all of the other late night talk shows are going into repeats. Next, the soaps will run out of scripts.

My solution? It's simple: "Living with Cymbalta von Klapp - The Series!" I've always toyed with the idea of having my own reality TV show and this would be the perfect time to expose my supple self to the American viewing public.

If They Mated...

File this under "I" for "Ick." 36 year old Lance Armstrong and 21 year old Ashley Olsen are rumored to be dating. I'm going to fire my publicist and start dating creepy old men effective tomorrow!

I Hate Halloween

First of all, whoever came up with the idea of knocking on people's doors in hopes of getting free food should have been shot. Lunesta and I were trying to watch a few episodes of "I Love New York" that I had TiVo'd. We were having a good time (except for when The Entertainer was sucking New York's toes) when suddenly the doorbell rang. Lunesta and I had given our maid Gretchen the night off so I opened the door, gave some little thing dressed like a Tin Man a candy bar the size of my thumb, and sat down for some more "I Love New York." But no, my reality TV fix was not to be satisfied. The doorbell never stopped ringing. For two hours. Without stop. I ran out of candy after ten minutes, but the doorbell kept ringing. I didn't know what to do. Could I put a sign on the door that says "No Candy! Come back next year"? I started giving these little witches and goblins anything I could get my hands on: Lunesta's cell phone, the TV remote control, a can of Lysol -- all went into little plastic trick or treat bags. Finally, the doorbell fell silent. Next year I'm going to go to the movies on Halloween.