The #1 Biggest Story of 2007: Paris Hilton Goes to Jail

What a train wreck! In May Paris Hilton was sentenced by Judge Michael Sauer to 45 days in jail for violating her probation for a DUI charge in 2006. After attending the MTV Movie Awards on June 3rd, she checked herself into the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood, CA. She was expected to serve 23 days of her 45 day sentence based on good behavior credit, but no - she was released on June 7th to serve 40 days of home confinement with an electronic monitoring device because of a medical condition. The next day Judge Sauer ordered her to appear in court, where he revoked the home confinement and sent Paris back to Lynwood. Her release on June 26th was covered live by CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, and local Los Angeles television stations.

In the 22 days that Paris Hilton was incarcerated, she was mentioned every day on the cable news channels. Everyone in America knew she was in jail, why she was in jail, what her cell looked like, and what her lawyers were doing to try to get her out.

In the 22 days that Paris Hilton was incarcerated, 82 American servicemen lost their lives in the Middle East. But that wasn't covered non-stop in the media, was it?

ANNOUNCEMENT

TWO major announcements in the von Klapp world!! No, neither has to do with my impending debut in a major television commercial advertisement, but as soon I have something new to report on that, you'll be the first to know!

As faithful readers of The Chronicles of von Klapp know, I blog every Monday through Friday. Beginning in January, The Chronicles of von Klapp will become a daily blog! Yes! Fresh posts every Saturday and Sunday -- but i won't be posting the weekend edition. Please join me in welcoming my frumpy sister Lunesta von Klapp into the blogosphere. I'm sure you will enjoy her ramblings as much as you enjoy mine.

But there's more! Many of you enjoy the weekly theme posts such as "New Boyfriend Wednesday" and "Real Hero Thursday." Many also have enjoyed our occasional glance into the world of celebrity faces gone wrong in which I call "Scary Face." Starting in January, "Scary Face" becomes a weekly theme every Tuesday. Who will be our first Scary Face when the theme goes weekly? Here's a hint: She may be Brooklyn born but her royal marriage prepared her to play a Southern Belle in one of TV's most popular shows. Hmmmmmm....

Much thanks again to all of you who take the time to visit The Chronicles of von Klapp.

2nd Biggest Story of 2007: Britney's Meltdown

2007 wasn't a great year for Britney Spears.


January 1, 2007:
Brit rang in the New Year in a club in Vegas, and reportedly was carried out by bodyguards.

February 4, 2007:
Brit is dumped by model boyfriend Isaac Cohen.

February 16, 2007:
Brit shaves her head at a salon in Tarzana, CA. Then, she went to a tattoo parlor to get tattoos on her hip and wrist. While this was going on, the media was reporting that she had checked in and out of a rehab in Antigua.

February 20, 2007:
Brit checks into rehab.

February 21, 2007:
Brit checks out of rehab. Then she checks back in.

March 20, 2007:
Brit completes her stay at Promises rehab in Malibu.

July 19, 2007:
Brit storms out of a photo shoot for OK! Magazine.

August 9, 2007:
K-Fed sues for primary custody of his and Brit's children.

September 9, 2007:
Brit's comeback at the MTV Video Music Awards is panned by fans and critics alike.

September 16, 2007:
Brit is dropped by both her management company and her divorce lawyer.

September 17, 2007:
Brit is ordered to undergo random drug and alcohol testing twice a week as part of the custody battle between her and K-Fed.

September 21, 2007:
Brit is charged with hit-and-run and driving without a valid license after crashing into a parked car in a Studio City parking lot on August 6th.

October 1, 2007:
Brit is ordered to surrender custody of her kids to K-Fed.

October 17, 2007:
Brit cannot visit her kids until she complies with a court order after an emergency hearing with her parenting coach.

October 30, 2007:
Brit is granted three monitored visits per week with her kids. Her latest CD "Blackout" is released.

December 4, 2007:
Child welfare investigators check into "multiple child abuse and neglect" regarding Brit's kids.

Mischa Barton's Post Christmas DUI

Mischa Barton was arrested and jailed today on suspicion of drunken driving, marijuana possession and driving without a license, according to the Los Angeles department. The 21 year old former star of "The O.C." was pulled over around 3am while driving in West Hollywood. Mischa was jailed in lieu of $10,000 bail. She spent about seven hours there before being released.

3rd Biggest Story of 2007: The Death of Anna Nicole Smith

Over the next few days, we'll recall some of the biggest tabloid stories of 2007. It was a year full of celebrity arrests, untimely deaths, and even a "politician in the potty" scandal. Which are the three biggest stories of 2007? Let's start with....

February 8, 2007: Anna Nicole Smith dies in a hotel room in a Florida casino. What more can be said about the buxom blonde mom/turned model/turned Playboy centerfold/turned billionaire's wife/turned reality star/turned diet spokesperson? The world watched every time she reinvented herself, and for no other reason than because she was famous for being famous. Rest in peace, Vicky Lynn Hogan/turned Anna Nicole Smith.

BREAKING NEWS!!!

Check here tomorrow for a major announcement!!!

Real Hero Thursday

Five more members of the us military have died since last weeks Real Hero Thursday. The latest to be confirmed is Sgt. Peter C. Neesley of Grosse Pointe Farms, Mich. Sgt Seesley died Dec. 25 in Baghdad, Iraq, of an undetermined cause in a non-combat environment. He was assigned to the 3rd Squadron, 7th Cavalry Regiment, 2nd Brigade Combat Team, 3rd Infantry Division, Fort Stewart, Ga. He was 28.

New Boyfriend Wednesday

Matthew Fox first stole my heart on "Party of Five." As Jack, the hero of ABC's "Lost," he's stealing my heart all over again. "Lost" returns to ABC on Thursday January 31st.

TOP 5 SONGS OF 2007: Number 1... IRREPLACEABLE

The top selling song of 2007 was Beyonce's "Irreplaceable." Check out YouTube's dejuanp and his very own version of "Irreplaceable."

TOP 5 SONGS OF 2007: Number 2... UMBRELLA

The second best selling song of 2007 belongs to Rhianna's "Umbrella." Enjoy shippundenhinata1597's version of the song courtesy of YouTube.

Merry Christmas

TOP 5 SONGS OF 2007: Number 3... THE SWEET ESCAPE

Number 3 of Billboard's top selling songs of 2007 goes to Gwen Stefani's "Sweet Escape" featuring Akon. Check out popstar101xxx's version of the song:

TOP SONGS OF 2007: Number 4... BIG GIRLS DON'T CRY

The Number 4 song of year goes to Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry." Check out YouTube's MyLAEx singing it as only he can.

TOP SONGS OF 2007: Number 5... BUY U A DRANK (Shawty Snappin')

Last week Billboard released the list of the top selling songs of 2007. For the next five days we'll countdown the Top Five, posting a YouTube clip of a fan singing the song of the day. Coming in at Number Five is T-Pain's "Buy U a Drank (Shawty Snappin'), which is my mother's favorite song. Yes, Clarice von Klapp is down with T-Pain. Let's enjoy YouTube's aznwarcraft and his version of "Buy U a Drank."

People's Choice Awards: "Reinvention" Due to Strike

The WGA strike is affecting the People's Choice Awards - big time! First, there will be no red carpet. Why? Because the show won't be live this year. It will be taped and aired later on CBS. There will be no "and the winner is" followed by acceptance speeches; instead it will be a magazine-show format with pre-taped comments from the winners. Will the Golden Globes be next?

Real Hero Thursday

Seven more members of the us military have died since last weeks Real Hero Thursday. The lastest to be confirmed is Pfc. Juctin R. P. McDaniel. Pfc McDaniel died Dec. 17 in Baghdad, Iraq, of injuries sustained from a non-combat related incident in Taji, Iraq. He was assigned to the 524th Combat Service Support Battalion, 45th Sustainment Brigade, 8th Theater Sustainment Command, Fort Shafter, Hawaii. He was 19.

BREAKING NEWS: Update on Edwards' Alleged "Babygate"

More details are emerging from the National Enquirer's story about Democratic Presidential candidate John Edwards' alleged lovechild. The woman at the heart of the story has been identified as Rielle Hunter, a woman who, according to the Enquirer, may be six months pregnant with Edwards' child. Or maybe not: The Enquirer also states that Andrew Yung, as associate of Edwards, may be the father. So basically, all we know for sure is that someone, somewhere is probably pregnant by someone.

The story from the Enquirer is linked here.

New Boyfriend Wednesday

So what if he's married? Will Smith is... legend! He's a good guy, a good husband, a good father, a good entertainer, and he's been nominated for an Oscar - twice! Last week the premiere of his new film "I Am Legend" shattered box office records as the highest grossing opening weekend for the month of December in film history. It's awesome to see a nice guy come in first!

BREAKING NEWS: Report Surfaces of John Edwards' Love Child

The front page of The Drudge Report has an image of the upcoming issue of The National Enquirer with the headlines "John Edwards Love Child Scandal" and "Woman Linked to Candidate Pregnant & in Hiding" along with a photograph or a pregnant blonde woman. Keep in mind this report is allegedly coming from The National Enquirer, and we haven't read the actual article. The issue comes out tomorrow.

Don't Ask Brit for Parenting Advice!

From the "Please Consider Adoption" file comes Jamie Lynn Spears, the 16 year old sister of Britney Spears. Jamie has announced that she's pregnant by her long-time boyfriend, Casey Aldridge. Jamie Lynn, who stars in the Nickelodeon series "Zoey 101" gave an exclusive interview with OK Magazine. The issue will be out later this week.

BREAKING NEWS: Amy Winehouse Out on Bail; Will Have Court Date in March

Sky News is reporting that Amy Winehouse was released on bail and will appear in court in March. She was arrested earlier today in connection with an investigation into perverting the course of justice in the case against her husband, Blake Fielder-Civil.

BREAKING NEWS: Amy Winehouse ARRESTED

Amy Winehouse was arrested today by British police on suspicion of attempting to interfere with a court case involving her husband, according Sky News. Winehouse was arrested during an appointment at a police station in connection with an investigation into perverting the course of justice. Her husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, was ordered held in custody in London last month on charges of perverting the course of justice from a case in which he is accused of assault.

Scary Face

Meg Ryan. Actress. Nescafe spokesperson. Hestia, the Greek Goddess of Fire (and chemically peeled skin). Apply a cold compress and call your agent in the morning, Meg.

French American Idol: You MUST See This!

Meet Joseph from France's "Nouvelle Star," their version of "American Idol." The clip is in French, but keep listening!

The Right Stuff

It happened Saturday afternoon. I was shopping with my frumpy sister Lunesta. We were strolling down 5th Avenue after checking out Abercrombie & Fitch (the staff is hot) when I saw him. It was Mr. Right, the guy I met at my family's holiday party. He was getting into a cab, and I only saw him for an instant, but I know it was him. Where did he go? Will I see him again?

Commercial Success

I'm excited! Linus called today with more details about my commercial. I cannot reveal the name of the fast food restaurant that I'll be plugging in the ad, but who cares? It's me! On TV! The money isn't fabulous, but it's exposure. We are going to film it (on LOCATION!) in mid-January. I'm so ready for my close-up!

Golden Globe Nominees

Best Picture, Drama
"American Gangster"
"Atonement"
"Eastern Promises"
"The Great Debaters"
"Michael Clayton"
"No Country for Old Men"
"There Will Be Blood"


Best Picture, Musical or Comedy
"Across the Universe"
"Charlie Wilson's War"
"Hairspray"
"Juno"
"Sweeney Todd"


Best Actor, Drama
George Clooney, "Michael Clayton"
Daniel Day-Lewis, "There Will Be Blood"
James McAvoy, "Atonement"
Viggo Mortensen, "Eastern Promises"
Denzel Washington, "American Gangster"


Best Actress, Drama
Cate Blanchett, "Elizabeth: The Golden Age"
Julie Christie, "Away from Her"
Jodie Foster, "The Brave One"
Angelina Jolie, "A Mighty Heart"
Keira Knightley, "Atonement"


Best Actor, Musical or Comedy
Johnny Depp, "Sweeney Todd"
Ryan Gosling, "Lars and the Real Girl"
Tom Hanks, "Charlie Wilson's War"
Philip Seymour Hoffman, "The Savages"
John C. Reilly, "Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story"


Best Actress, Musical or Comedy
Amy Adams, "Enchanted"
Nikki Blonksy, "Hairspray"
Helena Bonham Carter, "Sweeney Todd"
Marion Cotillard, "La Vie en Rose"
Ellen Page, "Juno"


Best Supporting Actor
Casey Affleck, "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford"
Javier Bardem, "No Country for Old Men"
Philip Seymour Hoffman, "Charlie Wilson's War"
John Travolta, "Hairspray"
Tom Wilkinson, "Michael Clayton"


Best Supporting Actress
Cate Blanchett, "I'm Not There"
Julia Roberts, "Charlie Wilson's War"
Saorise Ronan, "Atonement"
Amy Ryan, "Gone Baby Gone"
Tilda Swinton, "Michael Clayton"


Best Director
Tim Burton, "Sweeney Todd"
Joel Coen and Ethan Coen, "No Country for Old Men"
Julian Schnabel, "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly"
Ridley Scott, "American Gangster"
Joe Wright, "Atonement"


Best Screenplay
Diablo Cody, "Juno"
Joel Coen and Ethan Coen, "No Country for Old Men"
Christopher Hampton, "Atonement"
Ronald Harwood, "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly"
Aaron Sorkin, "Charlie Wilson's War"


Best Original Song
"That's How You Know," from "Enchanted"
"Grace Is Gone," from "Grace Is Gone"
"Guaranteed," from "Into the Wild"
"Despedida," from "Love in the Time of Cholera"
"Walk Hard," from "Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story"


Best Original Score
Michael Brook, "Into the Wild"
Clint Eastwood, "Grace Is Gone"
Alberto Iglesias, "The Kite Runner"
Dario Marianelli, "Atonement"
Howard Shore, "Eastern Promises"


Best Animated Film
"Bee Movie"
"Ratatouille"
"The Simpsons Movie"


Best Foreign Language Film
"4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days"
"The Diving Bell and the Butterfly"
"The Kite Runner"
"Lust, Caution"
"Perseopolis"


Best TV Series, Drama
"Big Love," HBO
"Damages," FX
"Grey's Anatomy," ABC
"House," FOX
"Mad Men," AMC
"The Tudors," Showtime


Best TV Series, Comedy
"30 Rock," NBC
"Californication," Showtime
"Entourage," HBO
"Extras," HBO
"Pushing Daisies," ABC


Best Miniseries or Movie
"Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee," HBO
"The Company," TNT
"Longford," HBO
"The State Within," BBC America
"Five Days," HBO


Best Actor, Drama Series
Michael C Hall, "Dexter"
Jon Hamm, "Mad Men"
Hugh Laurie, "House"
Jonathan Rhys Meyers, "The Tudors"
Bill Paxton, "Big Love"


Best Actress, Drama Series
Patricia Arquette, "Medium"
Glenn Close, "Damages"
Minnie Driver, "The Riches"
Edie Falco, "The Sopranos"
Sally Field, "Brothers & Sisters"
Holly Hunter, "Saving Grace"
Kyra Sedgwick, "The Closer"


Best Actor, Comedy Series
Alec Baldwin, "30 Rock"
Steve Carell, "The Office"
David Duchovny, "Californication"
Ricky Gervais, "Extras"
Lee Pace, "Pushing Daisies"


Best Actress, Comedy Series
Christina Applegate, "Samantha Who?"
America Ferrera, "Ugly Betty"
Tina Fey, "30 Rock"
Anna Friel, "Pushing Daisies"
Mary-Louise Parker, "Weeds"


Best Actor, Miniseries or Movie
Adam Beach, "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee"
Jim Broadbent, "Longford"
Ernest Borgnine, "A Grandpa for Christmas"
Jason Isaacs, "The State Within"
James Nesbitt, "Jekyll"


Best Actress, Miniseries of Movie
Bryce Dallas Howard, "As You Like It"
Queen Latifah, "Life Support"
Debra Messing, "The Starter Wife"
Sissy Spacek, "Pictures of Hollis Woods"
Ruth Wilson, "Jane Eyre"


Best Supporting Actor, Series, Miniseries or Movie
Ted Danson, "Damages"
Kevin Dillon, "Entourage"
Jeremy Piven, "Entourage"
Andy Serkis, "Longford"
William Shatner, "Boston Legal"
Donald Sutherland, "Dirty Sexy Money"


Best Supporting Actress, Series, Miniseries or Movie
Rose Byrne, "Damages"
Katherine Heigl, "Grey's Anatomy"
Rachel Griffiths, "Brothers & Sisters"
Samantha Morton, "Longford"
Anna Paquin, "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee"
Jaime Pressly, "My Name Is Earl"

Real Hero Thursday

Five more US military members have been killed since last weeks Real Hero Thursday. The latest to be confirmed is Spc. Johnathan A. Lahmann, who died on December 10th in Tikrit, Iraq after an explosive device struck his vehicle in Bayji, Iraq. Spc. Lahmann was assigned to the 59th Engineer Company, 20th Engineer Battalion, 36th Engineer Brigade, Fort Hood, Texas. He was 21 years old.

Ike Turner Dead at 76

Ike Turner, the music pioneer who will forever be remembered as a wife beater, died in his home today. He was 76. His ex-wife, Tina Turner, had no comment. "Tina is aware that Ike passed away earlier today. She has not had any contact with him in thirty five years. No further comment will be made," said Tina's spokesperson Michele Schweitzer.

New Boyfriend Wednesday

Johnny Depp is hot! He's hot because he's a brilliant actor, he's not afraid to take chances in his portrayals, and he was on the FOX network's very first primetime series: 21 Jump Street. You can catch Johnny in the new film Sweeney Todd opening on Christmas Day.

Scary Face

Check out Linda Evans. Surely you remember her: Dynasty heroine, Rejuvenique spokesperson, former Yanni fan, lip model, wax figurine.

Scary face indeed.

You Know It's a Slow New Days When...

... this is breaking news on the Fox News Channel.

Stardom, Here I Come!

I got the call at 3:15pm. It was my agent, Linus. I GOT THE COMMERCIAL!!! I will soon be appearing on a television near you in my very own fast food commercial. It might not win me an Oscar, but it's a start! I'll give you all the details as I learn them. I can't wait to tell Daddy von Klapp!

Mail Call!

My post on Friday suggested that anyone who'd like to email me is welcome to do so. And then my in-box filled up. And up. And up. Some emails were short blurbs saying the blog is fun. Some emails were short blurbs saying the blog is garbage. Some emails were short blurbs asking to see me naked.

Here is a sampling of what I received in my email in-box over the weekend:

"Your name is stupid. So is your blog. I love Perez Hilton and Howard Stern."

Thank you!

"Are you Joan Van Ark?"

Nope.

"Is Cymbalta and Lunesta really the names of you and your sister?"

What do you think?

"Did you find Mr. Right yet?"

No, but if you see him please tell him to email me.

"The posting of Joan Van Ark's unfortunate photograph was neither newsworthy nor appropriate. It was tacky, mean spirited, vile and malicious. Please find more and post them ASAP."

I don't know what malicious means, but I think I have a cousin by that name.

Thanks to all who wrote in, and thanks for reading!

Thank You!

You like me! You really like me! When I started posting my ramblings on the last Monday in October, I didn't think anyone would read it except for my drab sister, Lunesta. Then I noticed a couple people clicking here and there. And I started to get a comment posted here and there. And then an occasional email. When I blogged live during the finale of Dancing with the Stars, I noticed some of you were reading along as we watched the show together. And that was fun! But in the past three days, everyone seems to be coming out of the woodwork! We've had hits from almost every state in America, and from Canada, France, Germany, the UK, Brazil, Thailand, and Australia! I'm glad you're checking me out, and I hope you like what you find here. Feel free to drop me a line at CvonKlapp@gmail.com and let me know what you think of my little blog. And thank you again for taking the time to read my thoughts.

In Search Of... Mr. Right

You may remember last week at my parents' lavish holiday party, I met a mystery man who I will refer to as "Mr. Right." Sadly, I didn't get a chance to get his number (or even his name). I have a hunch that he works for my father's adult diaper incontinence product manufacturing company, so I went to the office today to snoop. I searched high and low, but he was nowhere to be found. So, the question is: if he doesn't know my father from work, where does he know him from? And more important: will I ever bump into him again???

Ray Liotta's Plea Bargain

Ray Liotta pleaded no contest today to alcohol or drug related reckless driving after he hit two parked cars in February.

He was sentenced to three years probation, he must complete an alcohol education program, and pay a $300 fine. He also will pay restitution to the owners of the cars he hit.

At the time of the accident, Liotta was found to be under the influence of prescription medication that he was taking for a sports related injury.

Liotta is best known for the movie Goodfellas, and is currently in theaters in Bee Movie.

Resume Hell!

A few days ago I told you that Daddy von Klapp had insisted upon me finding a job. While Linus, my agent, is out scouting around something for me, Daddy sent one of his office assistants over to help me make a resume. Here is the problem: I've never had a job before, so I have nothing to put on my resume other than "looks great in most colors" and "pouts well." After an hour of trying to make some kind of resume that I can send out to potential employers, Daddy's assistant threw her hands in the air and gave up. I asked her how was I going to make a resume that will make someone want to hire me.

Her suggestion: "Lie!"

Grammy Award Nominations

Here is a brief rundown of the Grammy Award nominations. The awards will be given out on February 10th on CBS.

Record Of The Year

• Irreplaceable

      Beyoncé      

• The Pretender

      Foo Fighters      

• Umbrella

      Rihanna Featuring Jay-Z

• What Goes Around…Comes Around

      Justin Timberlake

• Rehab

      Amy Winehouse

Album Of The Year

• Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace

      Foo Fighters

• These Days

      Vince Gill      

• River: The Joni Letters

      Herbie Hancock     

• Graduation

      Kanye West

• Back To Black

      Amy Winehouse

Song Of The Year

• Before He Cheats

      Josh Kear & Chris Tompkins, songwriters (Carrie Underwood)

• Hey There Delilah

      Tom Higgenson, songwriter (Plain White T's)

• Like A Star

      Corinne Bailey Rae, songwriter (Corinne Bailey Rae)

• Rehab

      Amy Winehouse, songwriter (Amy Winehouse)

• Umbrella

      Shawn Carter, Kuk Harrell, Terius "Dream" Nash & Christopher Stewart, songwriters (Rihanna Featuring Jay-Z)

Best New Artist

• Feist

• Ledisi

• Paramore

• Taylor Swift

• Amy Winehouse

Best Female Pop Vocal Performance

• Candyman

      Christina Aguilera

• 1234

      Feist

• Big Girls Don't Cry

      Fergie 

• Say It Right

      Nelly Furtado

• Rehab

      Amy Winehouse

Best Male Pop Vocal Performance

• Everything

      Michael Bublé

• Belief

      John Mayer

• Dance Tonight

      Paul McCartney      

• Amazing

      Seal      

• What Goes Around...Comes Around

      Justin Timberlake

Best Pop Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals

• (You Want To) Make A Memory

      Bon Jovi

• Home

      Daughtry      

• Makes Me Wonder

      Maroon 5

• Hey There Delilah

      Plain White T's

• Window In The Skies

      U2

Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals

• Steppin' Out

      Tony Bennett & Christina Aguilera

• Beautiful Liar

      Beyoncé & Shakira

• Gone Gone Gone (Done Moved On)

      Robert Plant & Alison Krauss

• The Sweet Escape

      Gwen Stefani & Akon

• Give It To Me

      Timbaland Featuring Nelly Furtado & Justin Timberlake

Best Pop Vocal Album

• Lost Highway

      Bon Jovi

• The Reminder

      Feist

• It Won't Be Soon Before Long

      Maroon 5      

• Memory Almost Full

      Paul McCartney

• Back To Black

      Amy Winehouse

Real Hero Thursday

Eight more members of the US military have died since last week's Real Hero Thursday.

The latest to be confirmed is Sgt. Kyle Dayton, who died December 3rd in Ashwah, Iraq after a non-combat related incident. Sgt. Dayton was assigned to the 2nd Battalion, 504th Parachute Infantry Regiment, 1st Brigade Combat Team, 82nd Airborne Division, Fort Bragg, N.C.

Sgt. Dayton was from El Dorado Hills, California. He was 22.

The Face of Evil

When there are 20 days left until Christmas, shoppers pack crowded malls amid decorations and carols. It's usually a happy scene. But it wasn't today. Not today in Omaha, Nebraska. Not in the Von Maur store at the Westroads Mall. A gunman opened fire there today, killing at least eight people, wounding five more, then killed himself. The gunman has been identified as Robert A. Hawkins. The 20 year old Hawkins reportedly left a note saying he was "going to go out in style."

Please pray for the families of the victims.

Dumb as a Box of Rocks

I've never been mistaken for being a rocket scientist, but it's reassuring to know that I'm smarter than Sherri Shepherd, the co-host of The View.

New Boyfriend Wednesday

Brad Pitt is this week's New Boyfriend. Everyone knows he's hot, but did you know that his "Make it Right" project is building a new community of homes in New Orleans' Ninth Ward, which was hit hard during Hurricane Katrina?

Brad Pitt isn't just a hunk. He's a hero.

Do you want to get involved with the Make it Right project? Check it out here.

Donate to the Make it Right Project here.

Ick!

Do you remember Debra Lafave? She was the teacher who pleaded guilty to lewd behavior with a 14 year old male student.

Well, she's back in the news. She's been arrested for violating her parole when she allegedly spoke to an underage female co-worker. Lafave's probation forbids her from having any contact with minors under the age of 18.

Her parents must be so proud of her. Lets file this under "Ick", shall we?

Pimp C Dead at 33

Rapper Pimp C from the hip-hop duo UGK was found dead in a West Hollywood hotel room. Pimp C, who's real name was Chad Butler, was found in his bed at the Mondrian Hotel. The police are currently investigating the death. He was 33.

Scary Face

Yes, I know I already did a post for today, and Daddy would rather I spend my time searching for a job, but when someone emails you a picture like the one above, it deserves a special post.

From the "Oops We Forgot to Bury It" file comes Miss Joan Van Ark. Actress. Michael Jackson impersonator. Wife of Noah.

Is this a chemical peel gone horribly wrong or is she auditioning for the national tour of Young Frankenstein? You be the judge.

Job? What Job?

It happened yesterday. It came from nowhere. My father called. He wants me to get a job. A regular job. The 40 hour per week type of job. Apparently, he opened his credit card bills and somehow came to the conclusion that it's time for me to start paying for things. Myself. Without his help.

I explained to him that I already have a full-time job as a celebutante, and that I am about to burst into the acting/modeling/singing scene at any moment. My agent, Linus, already has a commercial lined up for me.

Did any of that matter to Daddy von Klapp? Not a bit. And so I called Linus and told him to find me something quick before Daddy has me flipping burgers in a fast food joint.

Meeting Mr. Right

The stars came out in Manhattan on Saturday as the annual von Klapp Holiday Party took place in my parents' Upper West Side apartment. Here are some juicy tidbits:

What actress ditched the premiere of her new film in order to attend our party?

What actor attempted to convince my dowdy sister Lunesta to convert to Scientology?

I'll never tell....

Linus, my agent, arrived around 10:00pm with news that I might be up for a part in a fast food commercial. Fast food? Is this some kind of homage to Paris Hilton's hamburger commercial a few years ago? I was not pleased!

Around 11:30pm, a drunken Lunesta stumbled into the living room to see if "Saturday Night Live" was live or a repeat (to which I replied, "There's a writers strike, you drunken whore!"). Just then, I looked over the fondue pot and saw HIM. Tall, dark wavy hair, almond shaped dreamy eyes, pillowy soft lips... Standing on the other side of the fondue pot was Mr. Right! I felt flush as I tried to see who he was with. Was he with a date? Was his date prettier than me? My father approached him and they began talking. Did he work for my father's adult diaper incontinence product manufacturing company? I had to know! I had to know! I walked over to where they were and waited for my father to introduce us. When my father finally got around to introducing us, he simply said “Meet my daughter Cymbalta.” Mr. Right said to him, "Basil you never told me you had such a beautiful daughter." He called me beautiful! In what will go down in history as the worst timing ever, Lunesta ran past us, hand over mouth, in search of a bathroom to vomit in. When everyone stepped aside and out of Lunesta’s path, Mr. Right was gone. And neither he nor my father said his name. My parents were occupied playing the perfect host and hostess for the rest of the night, and when I called them on Sunday afternoon to ask my father who Mr. Right was, he said that there were so many people at the party he had no idea who I was talking about!

My New Years resolution: Find Mr. Right!!!