I Hate Halloween

First of all, whoever came up with the idea of knocking on people's doors in hopes of getting free food should have been shot. Lunesta and I were trying to watch a few episodes of "I Love New York" that I had TiVo'd. We were having a good time (except for when The Entertainer was sucking New York's toes) when suddenly the doorbell rang. Lunesta and I had given our maid Gretchen the night off so I opened the door, gave some little thing dressed like a Tin Man a candy bar the size of my thumb, and sat down for some more "I Love New York." But no, my reality TV fix was not to be satisfied. The doorbell never stopped ringing. For two hours. Without stop. I ran out of candy after ten minutes, but the doorbell kept ringing. I didn't know what to do. Could I put a sign on the door that says "No Candy! Come back next year"? I started giving these little witches and goblins anything I could get my hands on: Lunesta's cell phone, the TV remote control, a can of Lysol -- all went into little plastic trick or treat bags. Finally, the doorbell fell silent. Next year I'm going to go to the movies on Halloween.